Dating Dish is a monthly feature that brings you hot dating tips and sassy how to-s to keep your dating life sexy.
I personally find self promotion to be one of the most nerve-wracking, awkward tasks in life – especially when I’m trying to do it in such a way that I don’t come across as a pompous, self-involved jerk. And as an author trying to make a living off of shilling my opinions and advice, I have to do a lot of said promotion. It can be fun once I get into a conversation about something I’m passionate about (most recently, handling awkward situations, since that’s the topic of my new book), but mostly, I find it rather terrifying. And when I get scared or nervous, it takes a concerted effort not to do something totally weird (like laugh too hard and long at the wrong thing, forget my own name, forget the name of the person I’m talking to, say something totally unrelated to the current conversation, etc.)
Dating Dish is a monthly feature that brings you hot dating tips and sassy how tos to keep your dating life sexy.
Since pretty much everyone is on Facebook now, it’s fairly unavoidable to be actively dating and not have Facebook be a part of our pursuit for love and lust. Do we friend the new fling? Do we update our relationship status? Do we avoid cameras and any FB interaction to keep it all private until we’re sure they’re someone we want our bosses, ex-boyfriends and families to know about? After all, pictures get taken at parties, we get tagged, and then our mother asks us who that nice boy is standing with us at Jane’s BBQ last weekend. Sigh. Here are a few helpful tips for the modern girl in a FB world:
1) Hide your relationship status (at least until it’s serious.) The whole “Susie is in a relationship”, “Susie is no longer in a relationship” and that hyper-depressing broken-heart that accompanies the latter is so dramatic… and so personal. If you’re like most of the FB population, your friends range from your inner circle to that random girl you talked to once during sophomore year of college who’s now a friend of a friend you don’t like very much (but it’s far easier to just keep the connection than to unfriend her and risk any awkward interactions the next time you see her.) Having your inner circle be privy to your dating relationship status updates is one thing, but when we’re on the hunt to find someone we want to spend a significant amount of time with, there are going to be some six-week, six-month and year-long test rides that, when the beginnings and ends of them are publicly recorded, are going to make us look like excellent candidates for drama-queen of the year. Before social networking profiles recorded our lives, we were able to flit from relationship to relationship in peace, free to not reveal how many people we were dating at once and keeping the details of the fizzled six-week whirlwinds to ourselves (and a few close friends). Now, depending on how wide we’ve allowed our networks to be, our boss can see that last Thursday we were in a relationship, on Saturday we weren’t and today, a week later, we’re in one again. D.R.A.M.A. Let’s take it back to the pre-FB mystery.
2) Don’t friend until you’re sure. The friend/unfriend cycle is ripe with emotion and insecurity. If you friend someone and they don’t accept, what does it mean? Did they simply not see the request? Are they a lazy FB user who only accepts requests in batches once a month? Or are they not accepting the request on purpose? Do you say something if they don’t accept? What if it lasts for a while and then fizzles out — do you unfriend them? Instead of riding the insecurity slide, talk about it with them instead of blindly sending a request. Bring it up (by wanting to tag them in a picture, perhaps?) on the second or third date and decide to friend each other right then and there on your smart phones. This solves the anxiety associated with waiting for them to accept. As for unfriending — an alternative option is to hide their feed instead of totally unfriending them. Since unfriending someone is the modern, passive-aggressive equivalent to giving them the finger, save it for when it’s merited and/or you’re prepared to deal with the backlash.
3) Think before you take a picture. Do you want your mother to comment on how many different boys (or lack thereof, depending on how the dating roller-coaster is going) you take pictures with at parties? Solution 1: Avoid the pictures. Solution 2: If you get papparazzied, change your privacy settings so that you control who sees pictures of you taken by other people. Just like it’s not a great idea to get tagged doing a keg-stand in a picture your boss sees on her Monday morning feed, controlling the outward flow of pictorial information about your dating life is a good idea. Keep it classy and life will be easier.
Yours in FBing,
S
Dating Dish is a monthly feature that brings you hot dating tips and sassy how tos to keep your dating life sexy.
Encountering an ex is a situation that is often wrought with awkwardness. If it’s a recent break-up, it’s likely to be emotional and weird (What do you say? How do you say it?), and if it’s a long-ago break-up, it’s likely to bring up all sorts of memories and feelings. Ranging from anger to sadness to jealousy (their new significant other — SO — is taller/shorter/has bigger boobs/has smaller boobs/is blonder/has darker hair/etc. than you!), these emotions can create reactions that we don’t necessarily want to have (and probably don’t want to be seen having), especially in retrospect.
Although the ex-encounter fantasy of telling off an ex in spectacularly public fashion — complete with us looking amazing and ending the encounter with a killer, conversation-stopping, worthy-of-applause last sentence that will make our exes realize just how much they’ve lost — may have occupied our thoughts since the break-up, these encounters rarely go as we dream. In reality, most ex-encounters happen at very inopportune times, when we’re most definitely not looking out best (post-workout on laundry day, anyone?) and don’t have anything wittier to say that “Hi. How are you?” Witty comeback fail.
In order to avoid as much awkwardness and uncomfortableness as possible, both during and after, here are a few tips for handling an ex-encounter:
1) Be nice, even if you feel like being mean. It’s far better to act pleasant and keep the interaction short than to let the emotional monster out of its cage (however satisfying that might feel.) Introduce yourself to the new SO (if you’re meeting her for the first time), smile, say hi to your ex, tell them you hope they enjoy their evening/afternoon/day/whatever, smile again, and then make up some excuse why you need to get back to your business and be on your way.
2) Don’t freak out. Freaking out may be exactly what you feel like doing, but it’s going to make things really awkward during the encounter, and be super awkward/humiliating for you afterwards. There’s a time and a place for having the “why did we break up?” conversation, and the first run-in with an ex, post break-up is not it. Regardless of the awkwardness factor, having emotional conversations when emotions are still running high is going to be counter-productive.
3) Accept that it’s going to be awkward. You went from being intimate with someone to not being intimate with them anymore. This is a very weird, very socially awkward transition and it can take months, if not years, for a new form of your relationship with the person to figure itself out. Awkward silences are normal. Acknowledging the awkwardness can help, as can talking about non-explosive subjects like work, school, their dog, your dog, marathon training, etc.
Above all, as with all losses, it’s worth realizing that however we’re feeling now will eventually pass, or at least lighten in intensity. Reacting to an ex-encounter emotionally — if it’s not a well-sorted, well-thought-out reaction — rarely leaves us with a feeling of “I handled that well,” ( i.e. answering questions like “How are you?” with “I’m so mad at you I could scream,” or “I’m terrible, thanks to you.”) Being mean can lead to regret. Flying off the handle and having a public emotional break-down can lead to “I wish I hadn’t done that” later on, however real and honest a reaction it may have been.
It’s true there’s something to be said for being honest about what we’re feeling at any given moment. However, rather than having those feelings get lost in a crazy, over-the-top reaction, keeping calm and making sure that those feelings are reigned in enough that you can effectively communicate them creates far a more pleasant (and less awkward!) encounter.
Yours in uncomfortable situations,
S
Dating Dish is a monthly feature that brings you hot dating tips and sassy how tos to keep your dating life sexy.
I found myself at an awesome BBQ this last weekend (because let’s be honest – the 4th of July seems un-celebrated without a grill) with some good friends and even better food. When I finished my freshly grilled and guacamole-d burger, I zoned out for a while in the sunshine, just soaking it up. I wasn’t concerned with what my face was doing or whether or not I was sucking in my stomach — I was just enjoying the day (because really, when you’re wrapping up a three-day weekend with friends, sunshine, beer and burgers, there’s no reason to think about anything but enjoying it.) Later on that night, one of my friends asked me if I was OK because, he claimed, I had looked sad earlier (specifically, after I had finished eating my burger and was sitting in the sun.) This was news to me — nothing was wrong. I was (and had been earlier) a happy camper. I assured my friend that things were good and asked him what about my behavior had given him that impression. He told me it was because I wasn’t smiling, and in fact, had been frowning a bit.
I went to the mirror and let my face relax, attempting to get as close to what I thought I must have been doing earlier that day. Through my slight sunburn, I saw that indeed — the corners of my mouth turned down a bit when I wasn’t thinking at all about what my face was doing. Intrigued, I got to talking to some other friends about how they’re all perceived when they totally zone out on their facial expressions and sure enough, one or two looked sad, one looked totally standoffish and one looked angry.
The feedback about me looking bummed when I wasn’t was not especially new news to me — I’ve been asked before if something was wrong when I’ve been totally checked out on my facial expression. But this particular incident got me thinking how important it is to be aware of the small body language cues we send out, both intentionally and unintentionally. I regularly find myself crossing my arms when I’m feeling a little freaked out, or slouching because I forget for a minute to stand up straight. These things have a major effect on how I’m outwardly perceived, i.e. when I cross my arms I look totally unapproachable and a little angry, and when I slouch, I look sad or depressed. Neither of these is an accurate portrayal of my internal emotions (usually, anyway), but have a major effect on how someone else thinks I’m feeling (and whether or not they decide to talk to me). The slightly downturned mouth makes a big difference as well, especially in a dating scenario or at a party or something where looking approachable is the main goal.
As I stood in front of the mirror with my friends to experiment with how we could stop looking grumpy, I realized that when I tweak the corners of my mouth just very slightly so that they’re in a straight line instead of slightly downturned, I looked a million times more pleasant and approachable. If I smiled just a tiny bit, I looked like I was digging life and like I might be a cool chick, which is what I’d like people to think even on the days I’d rather be curled up on the couch with a good book instead of socializing. It’s pretty phenomenal how very subtle adjustments of our facial expressions can translate such tremendously different things to the people looking at us.
Now this isn’t to say that I want to walk around with a fake smile plastered on my face all day long. I know people who smile all the time, and frankly, it kind of freaks me out and makes me think they’re either high or hiding something. However, being aware of what our faces are doing so it doesn’t look like we’re scowling at the next shindig with eligible potential significant others? That’s something worth considering.
Yours, smiling just a little bit,
S
Dating Dish is a monthly feature that brings you hot dating tips and sassy how tos to keep your dating life sexy.
We’ve all been there: you decide to take the plunge and leave a follow-up voicemail for the handsome gent you went out with a few days ago, and instead of the flirty, witty and cute voicemail you were aiming for, the crazy overtakes your mouth and you end up “um….”ing, mispronouncing words, making up words (i.e. “creat”, like cool and great combined? I’ve done that not once, but twice…), talking for so long their voicemail cuts you off before you can leave your number, or saying something that can be misconstrued entirely too easily (i.e. “I just want to make sure I tie you down for Friday.”) When the mouth monster takes over and voicemail disaster strikes, here are some ideas for getting out of it:
Dating Dish is a monthly feature that brings you hot dating tips and sassy how tos to keep your dating life sexy.
I recently attended my ten-year high school reunion, and that, coupled with the back-log of Glee episodes I’ve been enjoying from Netflix, has made me rather introspective about those formative four years.
High school had its golden moments, but for the most part, I would wake up everyday praying that it would go faster so that I could graduate and get to college, where life would be perfect (Ha!). My ten-year reunion was something I looked forward to and dreaded in equal parts, and I very seriously considered bailing on it. I mean, high school happened a long time ago. What’s the point of reliving potential awkwardness? Ultimately, curiosity won out, and I went. And I’m really glad I did. It rocked.
The most interesting part of the weekend (because let’s face it: Facebook has taken away much of the mystery surrounding any juicy gossip one previously got at high school reunions), was a conversation I had with a girl I admired then, admired on Facebook in recent years and, after actually catching up in person, very much admire her and the life she’s made now. She was (and still is) one of the kindest, most likable, great people I’ve ever met, and I’ve never heard anyone say a bad thing about her, ever — an impressive feat. Everyone loved her — the cool kids, the cooler kids, the jocks, the nerds and everyone in between. And over a margarita at our reunion, she told me that high school was lonely for her, that she didn’t feel like she had close friends, that she’d always admired me and that she’d always thought I was popular and cool — as in, cooler than her. This was the exact opposite of how I perceived myself. WTF?
We had a good laugh — in mutual relief that those years are behind us and also because in retrospect, it’s really easy to see how dumb it was to spend such massive amounts of time lamenting how we thought we were perceived by others, when what we thought was obviously not even close to how others saw us. I find it very interesting how our personal perceptions of ourselves were (are?) so vastly different than how we’re actually perceived.
Going to my reunion made me think that it’s worth examining (on a regular basis) our perceptions of ourselves and how we want to be perceived, and making sure that those two match. Sure, we never have complete control over how we’re perceived — everyone else is viewing us through their own filters, made up of experiences they’ve had, what intimidates them, what scares them, and what they like or don’t like. But if we set out to outwardly advertise our personalities (and us) with our actions, how we talk and our choices about how we dress, do our hair and what we tattoo on ourselves, we can get a long way towards making sure our outside personas match who we are inside (at least as much as work dress codes and public nudity laws allow us). If we don’t take care to be ourselves and take pride in how we’re being perceived, the chances of us being mis-understood are much higher, and when we don’t express ourselves and hide behind what we think others will want to see, we’re doing everyone a disservice.
If we’re rocking whatever makes us, us, and we don’t get along with someone (i.e. in a dating situation, to tie it back to the point of this blog), it’s not because we’re hiding our true selves and our dates can tell — it’s real; likewise if we really click with someone. In high school, I definitely didn’t match my inside me to my outside me for fear of looking dorky or by being judged. A part of this was a function of my being an immature teenager, a part of it was not knowing fully who I was then, and the biggest part was wanting to be liked and wanting to “fit in”, whatever that meant. My fingers are crossed that another ten years show me that I’m not currently pulling any of the same hiding acts I was then and that I’m now successfully matching my outside and inside me, because that’s what I try to do. But who knows? I thought I had it figured out then too.
Yours in reality checks on memory lane, S
This is me, holding an alligator.
Duh, right? Hear me out. This is relevant to even those of us who swear we go out ALL THE TIME.
Feeling disenchanted with the whole dating scene and being just plain over it sit securely in the “there’s no point, so why try” cheering camp. When we feel like this, before we know it we’ve spent both weekend days inside our apartments — reorganizing our closets and/or the spice rack, knitting or just chilling in our own company.
Fortunately for our shoe closet — but unfortunately for our love lives — the days are when the magic happens. This is because people are more low-key and relaxed during the day, so it’s much easier to have those awesome, random conversations that can turn into more than just “that fun guy I met in the coffee shop/bookstore/park.”
Dating Dish is a monthly feature that brings you hot dating tips and sassy how tos to keep your dating life sexy.
I think it’s safe to say that for the vast majority of us, dating is a means to an end — the end being to find someone with whom we’re totally compatible and can ride the love train with.
For some, dating is a fun process to be enjoyed and savored, and for some, it’s something extremely uncomfortable and unpleasant we force ourselves to do so that we can reach our goal. Either way, dating takes effort because let’s face it: regardless of whether we find the ride exhilarating or nerve-wracking, going out with someone to judge and be judged isn’t easy.
And on top of that, there’s a lot of pressure from well-meaning friends, family and from ourselves to do more to up our chances of meeting someone — signing up for another dating site, going out more, reading more advice and making more of an effort to get out and meet more people.
I say F this pressure.
Between work, life, pets, family and friends, this pressure can have the nasty side effect of forcing us to focus on what we’re not doing rather than what we are. When we do that, feelings of guilt for not trying hard enough and the subsequent burn-out and I’m-totally-over-this-and-I-give-up follow close behind. This is so not helpful in achieving our end goal.
Dating has it’s natural ups and downs, but adding extra pressure on ourselves to do more, be more, etc. makes the journey suck. Rather than beating ourselves up for not doing enough, or berating ourselves for staying in on a Saturday night when we could be at that totally hip party happening downtown, let’s enjoy each moment as it comes and do what will make us most happy in that moment.
Life is full of responsibility and obligation, so when we find ourselves with a pressure-free night or a weekend or even just a few minutes, let’s give ourselves a break and do what we want. Recharging and taking time for us is ultimately much better for our general happiness than doggedly following every piece of dating advice out there and running ourselves ragged trying to do every possible thing we can to meet somebody.
Plus, focusing on the moment has the added benefit of causing us (when we’re recharged and excited about dating again) to better be able to appreciate the things about dating that ARE fun, like that rush of joy when we figure out that our date has the same totally random fascination with bad creature-feature movies, obscure Australian wine and a bucket-list that includes diving with great-white sharks in South Africa, or how fun it is to laugh with them about how insanely badly the date is going.
So, let’s F the pressure and do what needs doing to bring some joy back into the dating process. And when we’re recharged and happy, let’s focus on enjoying the journey rather than obsessing about that elusive and amorphous end result.
And who knows, maybe by finding joy in the fun parts of dating and escaping burn-out and cynicism, we’ll achieve that trifecta of right time, right place and right attitude and meet our someone sooner rather than later.
Yours in following the bliss,
S
Dating Dish is a monthly feature that brings you hot dating tips and sassy how tos to keep your dating life sexy.
Photo credit: Lrargerich
Valentine’s Day, aka National Single’s Awareness Day, doesn’t have to be the stay-at-home pity party it’s purported to be. It can very easily be an awesome night of debaucherous fun with friends — both coupled up and not — and can end up being one of our favorite nights of the year. So, whether we’re one-half of a couple, we’re currently cruising solo, or we’ve just ended something and are dreading February 14th, here are some ideas to make V-Day totally awesome, no matter what our Facebook relationship status says.
1) Throw a party. We all like to have plans on Valentine’s Day, so do everyone a favor and give them something fun to come to. Have a potluck dinner party, or have everyone bring their favorite wine and order a bunch of pizza. Enjoy a great night with friends and also the pleasure of knowing you’ve done a good deed by preventing any would-be pity parties from happening.
2) Bar crawl with a ________ theme. Going out and hitting the bar scene on V-Day is a long-standing tradition for those who nix the dinner/flowers thing, and tends to be a night filled with happy people looking to meet other happy people so that everyone can enjoy the night together. Everyone is friendlier than usual because we’re all glad to be out doing something and enjoying life rather than bumming about how much our lives do or don’t resemble a rom-com. Step up the bar crawl a notch by creating a decidedly anti-V-Day theme and enjoy the debauchery that will ensue.
3) Have a group date. Love the dinner/flower thing but don’t have a plus one? Grab ten of your closest friends (coupled up or not), make a reservation somewhere fun, dress up and have a group date. Bring flowers for each other. Have lots of group hugs. Laugh. It will be awesome.
V-Day is, at its core, about celebrating relationships — romantic or otherwise. Unfortunately — and blame this on whomever you want: society, the media, aliens — February 14th has turned into a day when we feel that we need to a) be in a relationship to appreciate anyone and b) if we’re not in a relationship, we’re left out and should be sad about that. I say screw this. Our favorite memories often involve our favorite people, so instead of feeling forced into the schmoop or feeling bummed we don’t have a significant other, let’s make V-Day a celebration of and with those we love and make some new, amazing memories with them.
Yours in appreciating the love, S
Dating Dish is a monthly feature that brings you hot dating tips and sassy how tos to keep your dating life sexy.
If 2010 didn’t yield the romantic outcome you hoped for, give up.
Ha! Gotcha. What I mean is that we all have dating MOs – we’re a fan of the online scene, we like getting set up, we haunt our favorite coffee shops, art shows, concerts and bars in the hopes of that chance encounter with Mr. Right, or we don’t try at all and trust that the universe will provide. If the last 12 months snuggling up with our favored MO didn’t provide the rom-com, happy ending we’d hoped for, it may be time to consider changing things up and broadening our scope to other modes of meeting people. Find your 2010 MO below, and give a thought to mixing things up for a while. In the spirit of cliche, I’ll leave us with the far over-used quote from Einstein, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”
Photo credit: ottofocus13
You’re an online dater. You like perusing profiles and weeding out the deal-breakers ahead of actually contacting anyone because it’s efficient. You get a solid sense of satisfaction in putting in two hours going through profiles because you feel like you’ve made an effort and, let’s be honest, getting those “UR hot.” emails from would-be admirers is flattering and ego-boosting, even if you wouldn’t ever, ever go out with the senders. And if someone doesn’t email you back? It’s way less intense than getting rejected to your face. The problem is, every online date went on last year didn’t go anywhere, despite your careful screening.
Consider trying: Online dating has it’s merits, but one thing it definitely lacks is letting us know whether or not there’s physical and emotional chemistry between us and a prospective dude. Also, because we have more information about someone online, we have more potential reasons to reject — obviously, the risk is that we’ll see something we’re not huge fans of on a profile, but in person, that guy may have that *thing* we so desperately search for. So, keep up the online thing, but try accepting that set-up with your friend’s husband’s friend, accompanying a friend to an art-show she wants to check out or joining that co-ed running club you’ve been eyeing. Then, enjoy the conversations with random strangers and see where things lead, with the added benefit of knowing definitively and immediately whether or not you’d like to get in their pants.
You’re a bar/coffee shop/art show haunter. You’re a firm believer in the vibe you get from people, something you feel can only happen when you meet someone randomly while out and about. Your dedication to being out so that you can feel that potential butterflies-in-stomach vibe is impressive, and as a result, you could singlehandedly write The Stranger‘s weekly social guide. And although your Facebook friend count is impressive, you have yet to find a vibe that panned out.
Consider trying: Meeting people while out and about is a great way to sense whether or not something is there. However, it’s also terrifying. Rejection fears force a lot of us into the corner or huddled with our friends rather than mingling freely, especially when we only know a few people at the event. Consider trying online dating — it removes a lot of the rejection fear and will put you in touch with people who might never have met otherwise. As for trusting the vibe? Make all your dates coffee or happy hour dates — something with a 20 minute natural expiration if there’s nothing there.
Photo credit: acnatta
You’re a Set-Me-Up! lover. You like to place your dating life in the hands of your coupled up friends. After all, who has more access to available, awesome guys than your friend’s awesome husband who has 30 friends she swears are exactly like him? As it turns out, there are good reasons none of his 30 friends are coupled up…
Consider trying: Set-ups are great — they’re often provided by well-meaning, informed mutual friends who want everyone to be as happy as they are. And sometimes they work. The problem is that no one can tell if you’ll have great chemistry with someone else except you and that someone else. Stay available for the set-ups — you never know — but suggest to your friends they throw a huge party and invite everyone they know. Then, cruise the party and see who stands out to you. Have your friends introduce you and let the magic happen. If that doesn’t work, try the online thing or the art-show cruising, co-ed yoga class, co-ed photography class, co-ed writing class thing and see what happens. You may be surprised at the awesome people you meet.
You’re a truster of the universe. You believe whole-heartedly that the universe will provide you with a perfect guy, most likely in a chance meeting while going about your daily life – like backing into each other at the book store holding the same book. You’ll smile. He’ll smile. And you’ll live happily ever after. However, the universe hasn’t seen fit to make this happen yet. WTF.
Consider trying: A beautiful attitude, this one, but an unreliable plan for meeting… anyone. Consider trying anything else — online dating, taking a co-ed class, joining a co-ed activity group like hiking, running, sailing, etc., going out with friends, and/or getting set up. You don’t have to give up on trusting the universe, but giving it a nudge of help every now and again may be a good idea.
You’re over it. You’ve tried everything and nothing has worked. You’ve “put yourself out there,” including going to Meetup.com single’s events, getting set up, doing the online thing and buying every self-help dating guide available. Now you’re considering adopting at least four more cats so that at least you can fully embody the single-cat-lady cliche.
Consider trying… nothing. You’re burnt out, and that’s fine. We all need a break from the dating grind every now and again, if only to check in with ourselves and figure out what exactly we’re fighting for. So take that break and focus on you. When we constantly push ourselves to MEET SOMEONE, the stress can be enormous. So f*** it. Take that painting class you’ve been thinking about for the last five years — and not with the intention of meeting the guys in the class, but with the intention of expanding your creative mind and creating something beautiful that you and you alone can enjoy. Do yoga. Sign up for a marathon. Quit your job and take a year-long sabbatical traipsing through Australia. Do whatever it takes to get yourself back to… yourself and enjoying life again. Happy equals confident, and confident equals attractive. So focus on the happy and screw the dating.
Yours in happy dating trails, S
